Howling Dog Saloon, Luverne, MN

Have you ever walked into a place a felt that you were meant to be there? Like, the moment you walked in, you were being called to a certain spot to sit down and that the people there were smiling and nodding at you as if you were “home”? Well, my husband and I had the pleasure of walking into a place just like that a few days ago and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.

The Howling Dog Saloon in Luverne, MN is OFF THE CHARTS, my friends! From the word go, I knew this place was gonna’ be good. Sam and I have been wanting to try them out for quite some time and got the opportunity on Tuesday, May 23rd. We had some pretty important errands to tend to in Luverne and got them all taken care of. Some were fruitful and some were frustrating. By the end of running errands, Sam and I had built up and all-star appetite! Due to financial constraints, even though we were VERY hungry, we planned on going home and fixing ourselves something to eat there. That’s when I saw “IT”. The HOWLING DOG SALOON! Just sitting innocently at 909 S Kniss Ave. I made a split decision and we pulled in. We were tired… worn out, actually, and it was a 20 minute drive home. We were HUNGRY! By the time we drove home and put the effort into fixing something to eat, I would have been to tired to eat it! So I felt it would be well worth the money to pay to have food perpared and served to us. I had no idea what we were in for! From the moment we walked in, our experience was AMAZEBALLS!

Howling Dog Saloon is a classic bar and grill restaurant. It has a wrap around bar with high and low tables for seating. Then there is a drop down seating area that has 3 or 4 pool tables for patrons to enjoy. I believe I saw a few dart boards as well but I could be wrong. I hesitate to label the women who were working there as servers because they were more like trusted friends One of them smiled and came to take our drink order but it was so much more than that and more than I can describe in words here. Sam ordered a Pepsi and I a Sprite and water. When it came time to order Sam had the deluxe burger and I asked for the pork tenderloin sandwich. I forgot to ask for the combo basket as an appetizer so I ran up to our server “friend” and asked her to type that in as she was ringing in our meals. She even guided me on what was best for our four choices on the combo basket… tater tots, cheese curds, corn balls and brocolli cheese bites! Choices fit for royalty, AND ANGIOPLASTY! But Boy, Howdy, was it ever tasty! And dipped heavily in ranch dressing, my taste buds were in heaven. I couldn’t sit still. I was doing the happy dance right there in my high seated bar stool!! And then our meals came… I was already satisfied after the appetizer and still had to eat my pork tenderloin sandwich. Needless to say, I didn’t finish the sandwich, but it was definitely delicious! Sam’s burger was super fantastic as well.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the jukebox. It was a TouchTunes jukebox. It’s interactive with an app on your phone and you can play a “butt load” (that’s a technical term, by the way) of music and never leave the comfort of your seat. Can you tell I LOVED IT! I played Jimmy Buffet, Queen, The Beatles and our song (Journey “Faithfully”) Hey, what can I say, we are 80’s kids (well, I’m an 80’s kid. Sam is more of a 70’s kid and an 80’s kid/adult, but I digress) Playing the music on the jukebox made the place magical for us. The atmosphere, the staff, the food, it was the TRIFECTA! Sam and I had no idea that when we hastily pulled in an hour earlier this place would have such a profound impact on us.

What does this have to do with alcoholism or mental heath, you may be asking? A LOT, actually. In AA, we have a BIG warning acronym to look out for. It is H.A.L.T. It means Hungy Angry Lonely Tired. Both Sam and I had three of the four of those going on BIG TIME when we pulled in to the Howling Dog Saloon parking lot. We were both Hungry, Angry and very Tired. As I had mentioned, some of our errands had ended with frustration and we had been running around literally all day long. An argument can be made for me being lonely as well. Even though I was with the “love monkey of my soul”, I was lonely for my Higher Power. I was not feeling very close to God at the moment was pulled into the parking lot. I was so overwhelmed with all of the information I had received from the places we had been, I was processing a “butt ton” (another technical term, and yes, butt ton is MORE than butt load!) of information. Some was good, some was not so good. For some odd reason, I did not feel like I was processing the information with God at the center of everything. So for me, anyway, I had the entire H.A.L.T. thing going on. This acronym can be used in the mental health realm as well. When these four things are present at the same time, you MUST take action to satisfy them or you are heading for a mighty crash! But after walking into the Howling Dog Saloon, H.A.L.T. was washed away pretty quickly. Hungry was taken care of with the yummy food. Angry was taken care of by the amazing staff, friendly patrons, fun jukebox and overall atmosphere (Sam promised me a round of pool next time; he didn’t wanna get beat this time and we were both just too tired anyway) Lonely was taken down because once my mind cleared, my heart opened back up and of course God was right there where I had left Him! Tired was taken care of (briefly) with the burst of energy and excitement Sam and I both felt and discovering such and diamond in the rough. Of course as soon as we got home we both laid down and took a quick nap. What could have been a disastrous event if we would have driven home and tried to handle things on our own, turned into a wonderful experience and allowed us to find a new “favorite spot”.

So, there you have it, my dear friends. I used to say, “My dogs are howlin’!” when I was a server at TGI Fridays and I worked a double shift. Now I get to look foward to going back to my new “favorite spot”, the Howling Dog Saloon at 909 S Kniss Ave in Luverne, MN. Stop by and see them. I bet the magic happens for you as well! Be sure to play the jukebox! It ROCKS! Here is their Facebook page link: https://www.facebook.com/people/Howling-Dog-Saloon/100057365652796/

WHAT A LIFE!

~me

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The H.O.W. and The W.H.O. of Recovery

Okay, so I was chairing a Zoom AA meeting just a little bit ago and the topic was May 19th’s Daily Reflection:

Giving Without Strings… Basically, being of service without expectations of being served.

Hmmmm…. I have a MONSTEROUS ego! Just how in the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks am I supposed to be of service without wanting to be noticed? That’s a pretty tall order! At least, it used to be. This time around in my recovery, I am able to do things for others without thinking about what they can do for me, with the help of God. (God is WITHIN me now, not just AROUND me. That’s the difference this go around in recovery for me, I think.) It’s a VERY foreign concept to me, but I seem to be doing it A LOT and not even thinking about it! It’s almost like booze to me….as if I get DRUNK off of doing good deeds these days! I’m not even kidding. It’s quite addicting. Sometimes, when I’m doing my morning routine I find myself plotting little things I can do, anonymously, throughout the day, for other people. (again, I do these things because God is WITHIN me, NOT just AROUND me!) But that’s not the topic of today’s post….

The H.O.W. of Recovery is: Honesty, Open-Mindedness and Willingness. Without these three things, we can NOT maintain sobriety. I know this because I have tried with vast amounts of self-will and without ALL three simultaneously, I WILL GET DRUNK. I have proven that fact to myself countless times. I MUST have all three H.O.W.’s of the AA program every day or consuming alcohol is a guarantee for this “closeted southern bell”! But, once again, something new happened to me this go around in recovery. I discovered yet ANOTHER acronym! There is more than just the H.O.W. of Recovery. The H.O.W. tells us how to stay sober. But we really need to grasp that spirituality. Without a firm foundation in spirituality, we flop like fish out of water. I learned this….

The word SPIRITUAL contains the word “ritual” within it. When I Google’d the definition of RITUAL, I found the following: “An act or series of acts regularly repeated in a set precise manner.” Hmmmm…. Okay, I reread that a few times and realized that it resembled the definition of STRUCTURE. That being said, if STRUCTURE is the same as RITUAL, then having STRUCTURE in my Recovery program helps my spirituality stay in fit condition. All of this came about with the faith of a mustard seed! Color me “Mind Blown”.

If I take it a step further, on page 55 of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, in the chapter We Agnostics it says, “Actually we were fooling ourselves, for deep down in every man, woman, and child, in the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or other it is there.” Then, if we jump WAAYYYY to the back of the 4th Edition of the Big Book to page 568, Appendix II, Spiritual Experience, last paragraph, it reads, “We find that no one need have difficulty with the spirituality of the program. Willingness, Honesty and Open-mindedness are the essentials of Recovery. But these are indispensable.” Why would I pick out these two quotes? They are so far apart in the book and one talks directly about GOD, the other talks directly about SPIRITUALITY?!?!

Well, since the first time I darkened the doors of Keystone Treatment Center in Canton, South Dakota, in June, 1996, I’ve heard about the H.O.W. of the AA Recovery program. But just a little bit ago during my go around this time in Recovery, God saw fit to reveal Himself to me as the W.H.O. of the AA Recovery program. “Willingness, Honesty and Open-mindedness”… Bill was telling us in Appendix II, Spiritual Experience, that the W.H.O. of Recovery is GOD! And just as I stated at the beginning about the H.O.W. of Recovery, unless I have ALL three, I WILL NOT STAY SOBER!

So, there you have it, folks. For this little girl (at least right now, in my tired brain, I am a little girl!), I know that I MUST follow the H.O.W. of my Recovery program to stay sober today and I MUST have the W.H.O. of my Recovery program in my heart and do His will today, not my own and rely on Him, not myself, to battle my disease of alcoholism. If I can stay in the frame of mine today and wake up tomorrow and rinse and repeat, then I might just have a sneaky chance at long term, happy, joyous and free sobriety. I hope to see you as we ALL trudge the road OF happy destiny!

WHAT A LIFE!

Much love to All!

~me

Is It ODD, Or Is It GOD?!?

Today I had to have a minimally invasive medical procedure, called an Angiogram, performed on my heart. To say that I was a bit nervous was the understatement of the year! I was in FULL BLOWN PANIC ATTACK MODE! My cariologist, Dr. Stys, had prepared me to expect a probable Angioplasty (where they deploy a balloon during the procedure to “push” the plaque from the center of the arteries back toward the walls of the arteries) or even a couple of stents that may have needed to be put in place. Given the symptoms I was having; shortness of breath, lightheadedness and dizziness when I would stand up fast or just when doing light work or exercising, we expected at least a few stents…BUT THAT DID NOT HAPPEN!

I have been in a near constant state of severe anxiety ever since last Tuesday when my doctor told me about this procedure in the first place. I have TRIED to give it to my Higher Power! I have tried praying the 3rd step prayer. I DID ask many people, many groups of people to pray for me, and that was certainly not typical of me. I usually stuff my own issues down deep inside and pretend I’m doing FINE! (F’d up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional) I didn’t do that this time. I humbled myself and asked for help. AND BOY HOWDY, IT WORKED! There is NO OTHER EXPLAINATION for why no balloon or stents had to be used this morning. The plaque screening I had done in January showed that I was in the 94th percentile for my age group for plaque build up in the arteries of my heart…the 94th percentile, folks!!! Not to mention, I have lived in this body. I am FULLY aware of what I have put into it in the past 52 years. Okay, maybe not the entire 52 years. My Mom and Dad were responsible for chooisg the food I ate for 1st 15 years or so. Anyway, between the poor food choices I have made and the VERY POOR choices I made dumping all the booze and pills down my throat for the past 30-some-odd years, there is NO WAY medical intervention would not have been needed, other than with DIVINE INTERVENTION. Of this, I am certain.

And so, I ask you…. IS IT ODD OR IS IT GOD? I submit to you that through the power of prayer, God saw fit to heal my heart and ensure that no medical intervention was needed this morning. I asked others to pray for me. Others DID pray for me. Now I am at home and feel wonderful. Is it just a coincidence that I had the procedure this morning, where essentially NOTHING was done except for a camera being snaked into my heart to look around and that a bunch of people prayed for me and now I feel great? Well, I suppose that’s possible. But, I don’t believe in coincidences. I believe that a coincidence is just A MIRACLE in which GOD chooses to remain ANNONYMOUS!

So, there you have it, folks. I survived an Angiogram. And my anxiety has been quelled to a low roar…it’s never gone, it’s always a monkey on my back, but I will adapt, improvise and overcome like always. If you have this procedure coming up, don’t fret. It’s a cake walk. (I can say that now that I’ve been through it. The past week was a living hell!!!) As for me, I think I’m going to take a nap…for a week, seeing as how I didn’t really sleep for a week!!

Talk about everything, drink about NOTHING!!

WHAT A LIFE!

~ME

Oh, the Places You’ll Go…

(This is a repost. I have been speaking at the treatment center I went to and I end by reading this book. The folks seem to really appreciate it. I almost have it memorized at this point! I have read it MANY times in the past 8 months!! I pray that it helps you as much as it helps me!)

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This Dr. Seuss book is one of my favorite books of all time. I have given it as a graduation gift to kindergarten, 8th grade, high school, college and even law school. But none have been as profound as when I have given this book to someone who is starting their journey in recovery.

“You’ll look up and down streets. Look ’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” Change your playground. How many times do we hear that?

“And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.” One day at a time. That’s all we can handle.

“I’m afraid that sometimes you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ’cause you’ll play against YOU.” When we allow ourselves to spend time in our own head, the disease of addiction WILL play horrible, scary games with us.

“On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far, and face up to your problems, whatever they are.” No matter how far we need to go to get our butt in a chair at a meeting, we do it. Meeting makers make it! That’s a fact.

“And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 3/4 percent guaranteed.)” By doing “the next right thing” on a “one day at a time” basis, you WILL succeed.

Oh, the Places You’ll Go. Mental Illness, addiction, whatever ailment it may be. This book is so simple, truthful and uplifting. I read it often. It helps keep me grounded. Try it, you might like it.

WHAT A LIFE.

~Me

Coming Out of the Dark….Again!

And, the journey begins AGAIN! I took quite a hiatus from posting an entry here. And as you can probably tell from the title, it hasn’t been a great time.

While I DID NOT go back to chugging vodka straight from the bottle, I DID decide to drink “just beer”. When I started drinking “just beer”, of course I chose the cheapest and highest alcohol content beer I could find. Natural Ice was fully leaded, as I like to call it. At first, three beers would give me a decent buzzed feeling. Five beers would have me very buzzed. But, of course, within a few weeks my tolerance built up and I had to drink “MORE”.

I relapsed before the pandemic hit, however, when the pandemic hit, my drinking became MUCH worse. My hubby was an over-the-road trucker, so I was home alone…well, I did have my two dogs to keep me company, and we live in a country town of 686 people. So, you can imagine how isolated I was! I drank my beer from the time I woke up until I fell asleep at night.

Of course, I stopped taking ALL of my psych meds while drinking, so I was a hot mess times infinity. Both of my demons, mental and alcoholic, were working overtime! I was in such a tailspin, not even the most gifted of pilots could have recovered and straightened out my plane!

I will go into more detail in future posts. For now, I just want to say….. I MADE IT BACK!

By the grace of God and the amazing support and encouragement of my hubby and his family (my family didn’t know I was drinking again) I made it back! It was a long, treacherous, scary road, but God saw me through it, even if I didn’t really ask Him to!

For now, I choose to simply do the next right thing!!

What a life!

See ya’ soon,

ME

6 Months Sober and “the thing”…

WHAAAAT? Today actually snuck up on me. I happened to look at the date and then counted backwards to November and realized I am 6 months sober today.

As a “chronic relapser” (I despise that term, by the way, but the truth hurts sometimes and acceptance is the answer!), I tend to let milestones go by the wayside. Not sure why….yes I am…guilt, shame, embarrassment, just to name a few. I catch myself buying into negative self-talk, such as:

• It SHOULD be 4 ½ years sober, if you wouldn’t have screwed up.
• For that matter, you would have almost 6 years sober if you hadn’t been stupid in January of 2011.
• Look at all the devastation and destruction you caused by not staying sober after going to treatment in 1996.

But NOT TODAY! Today, I am simply grateful. My old sponsor often said, “I’ve never known anyone to go back out when they had an attitude of gratitude.”

I am grateful that I am God’s perfectly IMPERFECT child. He made me exactly the way He wanted me, blemishes and all. I know this to be true because “Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.” Man, oh, man, do I have to chew on that statement lots of times to get it down without choking!

I am grateful for simply being alive. That last relapse really did a tap dance (more of an Irish Jig) on me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I hope to NEVER forget the first days and weeks after putting the plug in the jug. It reminds me of what a blessing life is and how quickly I can screw it up if I unplug the jug again.

Before I woke hubby up this morning, I took Joe outside. It was 4 a.m., but the birds were chirping softly and I could hear the baby leaves on trees rustling in a light, chilly Minnesota morning breeze. I said my prayers as Joe was doing his “business”. I suck at meditation. It’s this rambling mind of mine….but this morning I felt a sense of calm. The chirping birdies and rustling leaves seemed to be playing a peaceful song to me. What a gift for the brain that is usually so jumbled with shooting thoughts it struggles to get through a silent prayer! I was able to pray, meditate and just BE. It was amazing! I didn’t want to come back inside, but alas…I had to say good-bye to whatever this new found state of being is and resume life.

After getting hubby on the road, I was going to go back to sleep. “Hmmm…maybe I should take Joe back outside and see if that thing happens again.” Thinking it was probably just a fluke and certainly wouldn’t happen again, especially not with 2 cups of coffee in my system, I summoned the big, black “Fuzzy Butt” and we went out the back door. The THING happened again! Calm, peaceful, able to focus on thoughts…”Whoa! This is awesome!”, I thought. I vaguely remember feeling the thing in the past. It’s been so long since I felt it that this morning it felt brand new again. Joe even came over to me and gave me a “something is different” look. Now, if “Fuzzy Butt” notices and approves, it’s gotta’ be special.

Gratitude…I found the thing again. Dare I call it by name? Shhhh…..I will whisper it so as to not chase it away…serenity. It’s here…it’s in me…it’s awesome. Welcome back.

WHAT A LIFE!

~Me

Nerf’s Up, I’m Outa’ Here!

A few years ago and before we were married, hubby and I were faced with an impending Midwest winter blizzard. Weather dudes were saying at least 3 days of ice, snow and high winds that would make travel impossible. I was terrified. Here’s this guy that I really liked (truth be told, I was already totally in love with him) and we were going to be stuck in a tiny, one bedroom apartment for at least 3 days, probably 5 before the city dug us out. We took every precaution….bought batteries for the flashlights, food that didn’t require electricity to prepare, candles, and an abundance of toilet paper. (hey, priorities!) Then came the idea. Nerf guns with lots of ammo. Being holed up in that rinky-dink apartment for an unknown amount of time, we knew there were going to be tense moments. We had to have something to relieve the stress. I don’t think we have made a more sensible dual purchase since then.

Hubby and I rarely have arguments. Seriously, it’s like almost never. When we do, out come the Nerf guns. He usually takes position in the kitchen and I opt for the living room. We show no mercy. Out of ammo? Plan on getting blasted while you run to the “no cover zone” to pick some up and reload. By the time we are done, whatever was on the table worthy of arguing about is now easily discussed. Stress is turned into laughter and light-hearted fun.

Because our move happened so unexpectedly and fast, we didn’t know exactly where our beloved Nerf guns were stashed. This holiday weekend, my 8 year old step-daughter found them. “Can we?”, she pleaded with Dad. I got a call while grocery shopping at Wal-Mart. “Buy some Nerf ammo.” Oh boy, I knew this was going to be fun. We laughed, giggled and hubby got ambushed in the kitchen. I got shot in the butt and in the boob. I may have a bruise, but it was so worth it.

In AA, we learn to trudge the road OF happy destiny. Many quote this wrong and say, “TO happy destiny.” There is a big difference when you switch OF and TO. Happiness is not a destination, it is a mode of travel. Even through this hormonal depression (which is lifting more each day, Thank God) I can be a part of something more special than an ex booze hound like me deserves. God’s grace and mercy are amazing.

WHAT A LIFE!

~Me

You Never, Never Know….

Yesterday reminded me that I never, never know what to expect out of a day. To simply do the next right thing and wonderful things happen.

I woke up grumpy. Only got a few hours of sleep, my back was pretty sore, the depression is at it’s finest in the monring and I didn’t want to go to a meeting. grrrrr. I put my big girl panties on and begrudgingly sloughed off to the morning meeting. It was amazing. Most of the “weekenders” were there because of the holiday, so the sharing was great. I was honest and said I was having thoughts about drinking. I get so down on myself (and get scared) when I have those thoughts. Still haven’t accepted that it’s okay to have thoughts, what counts is my actions.

Anyway, a friend invited me to a local recovery/treatment campus to have lunch. It’s the first time I have been out there for lunch. This place oozes with serenity. I’ve been there for events before and I can feel the serenity as I walk onto the campus. Great food, company and conversation. And any thoughts of drinking were definitely squished.

Last evening I received a text from a gal that was my sponsor for a short time but then had to focus on some personal things. She said she could sponsor me again. So I am no longer sponsorless! This is a huge relief. At the meeting yesterday, I shared that I am at a standstill in my program. There is no growth and I am not working the steps because I do not have a sponsor. And then…viola!

Needless to say, the “grumpasaurous” that awoke yesterday morning transformed into a very grateful child of God before bed. Certainly not what I expected out of the day.

WHAT A LIFE!

~Me

 

Happy Wife, Happy Life.

My hubby has been amazing through this whole rollercoaster of emotion and depression. He has been a pillar of strength for me.

“Practice these principles in all our affairs” is something I most definitely have NOT been doing, and hubby gets the brunt of it. I am ashamed to say, I have been treating him like shit. I have been taught that if you want to see how strong someone’s program is, ask their family. I would fall short if you did that.

Hubby is 13 years sober. He stays out of my program, for the most part. He will gently nudge me and suggest that I “phone a friend”, or go to a meeting, but he does this in such a loving, caring way that I can’t be mad about it. And when he does it, I know he is right. I may bitch about it, but I do it because if he is saying it, I am pretty bad off.

He loves, supports and encourages me in every aspect of my life. With the weight gain, he tells me I am beautiful more often. With the depression, he tells me how much he loves me and cherishes me on a daily basis. With the anxiety, he talks me down and reminds me to breathe slow and deep. And I have just been snapping at him. A few days ago, I yelled because he didn’t put a roll of toilet paper on the TP holder. I’m such a bitch. Hubby knows how insecure I am right now so every time I call him, he answers the phone, “Hello, gorgeous.”.

This man has been with me for 4 years. He has seen me at my best and at my worst. He has witnessed full Bipolar manic episodes that lasted 2 weeks and the crash into sever depression that follow. He has seen how PTSD flashbacks can ambush me and how my severe anxiety can ruin an evening out. Yet, he’s still here. Still by my side. Hell, he even wanted to marry me after seeing all that crap! Maybe I should be questioning his sanity!

I have hubby on my gratitude list, but I have realized through last night’s Step 10, instead of being grateful for him, I am taking him for granted. I need to make amends for the way I have been treating him. Yes, I am depressed and a bit whack-a-doo with the hormone thingy. But that does not give the right to treat my husband, or anyone for that matter, the way I have been. No one is my personal punching bag. Just because he is allowing it to happen doesn’t make it right.

My hubby deserves a happy wife and a happy life. Slowly but surely I am coming back from the depths of this depression. I can feel the hormone replacement therapy working. Which is great, because I know hubby has been jonesing for a Nurf gun fight and I haven’t been in the mood. He may just get ambushed.

WHAT A LIFE!

~Me

But Weight, There’s More…

I had to go to my primary care doc because I pulled a muscle in my back and touched off a bad spasm. None too happy about being in the doc’s office to begin with and then I have to stand on the scale. grrrrr. I weighed in at a whopping 202 pounds. WHAT? I had to look back and make sure the nurse didn’t have her foot on the scale as a joke. Nope. It was ALL me! WHAT?

I haven’t weighed that much since before my liver failure in 2008. I stand 5 feet, no inches tall (or short) so you can imagine what 202 pounds looks like on that frame. Dumpy. Frumpy. Fatty. Ugh. I have gained 35 pounds in 3 months. Is there a medal for that or something?

I know that I have been depressed. I know that I have used food for comfort. But 35 pounds?! That’s just ludicrous. The demons came on fast and strong. I almost completely forgot about the pain in my back. My skull started vibrating, the voices were so loud.

• “You’re huge.”
• “You’re worthless.”
• “Just eat and the puke.”
• “Hubby doesn’t love you anymore. How could he possibly find you’re fat ass attractive?”
• “Start drinking again. You never eat when you’re drinking.”
• “Stop taking you’re meds. They make you gain weight.”

The scary thing was, I was listening to the voices and they were sounding like the voice of reason. Damn those demons. Once doc came into the room and checked me over for the back spasm, I brought up the weight gain. He was shocked. Told me that he found it very hard to believe that I weighed 202 lbs. That made me feel better. We discussed strategy on weight loss, but he made me promise not to try anything until after September 10th when I am cleared from the hysterectomy and now my back. I have to have physical therapy 3 times a week. grrrrr.

The demon voices were still making my skull vibrate. I felt like a total failure. How could I have allowed myself to get to that weight? I felt lazy. I felt ashamed. I guilty. I knew that I had been using food for comfort but I had no idea it had gotten to this point. My mind was racing. 100 thoughts going through and I couldn’t grab onto 1 and focus. Diet…which one…swim…how long…can’t swim yet…not cleared for exercise…binge and purge…bad for me…no carbs…unrealistic. STOP!! “God, please help me. Thanks. Amen.”

It wasn’t instant, but it was quick. I began to calm down. I said my version of the AA ABC’s. I can’t, He can, I’m gonna’ let Him. I felt better. I am powerless. Not just over booze. I’m putting food on the ever growing list. My life is unmanageable. God can restore me to sanity. (so I’ve been told) Nah, I know this to be true. I just have to get out of the way. Quit obsessing over something I have no control over at this very moment. In a few weeks, I can do something about it, but not right now. So I can choose to stew and sit in my poop or I can surrender and give it to God to handle. I choose the latter. At least for now. I may forget and start stewing again. But that’s the grace and mercy of this program. If I take the crap back, God is always willing when I am ready to give it back to Him.

WHAT A LIFE!

~Me