Sacrifice = Unity = Survival

That was yesterday, June 30th’s Daily Reflection’s Title. I was fortunate enough to see it in action!

I regularly attend an AA Zoom meeting group called “Hair of the Dog Morning Meditation” at 8 AM Central time and the topic is that day’s Daily Reflection. Yesterday, we were lacking a chairperson for our meeting. One of our homegroup members had signed on early from her hotel room in a foreign country after a travel nightmare the day before. She was exhausted and beat down and had just finished sharing with a few of us her travel woes when it was announced that we were lacking a chair for the morning meeting. I was traveling in a vehicle at the time and my big, fat mouth volunteered her for the position without thinking of where her head was at the time, because she is a fabulous chairperson and volunteers for service often when she is home in the states. Without hesitation, she stepped up and said she would take the chair if nobody else could!

I am not kidding you, I saw an instant transformation in that woman. Her shoulders squared back. Her eyes opened wider. Her jaw even set firm but with purpose at the same time. It was as if the topic of the Daily Reflection was coming alive before my very eyes!

Sacrifice = Unity = Survival… this woman went from being the VICTIM of a travel nightmare where she was taken advantage of by a budget airline and delayed to a point of almost missing her and her entire team’s flight and had to pay extra cash to fly, leaving one of her teammates behind. She SACRIFICED how she was feeling physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually for the UNITY of the program to be of service as the chairperson of our meeting and instantly went into SURVIVAL mode! She became a SURVIVOR during that meeting, and then something even more amazing happened! SHE BEGAN TO THRIVE!! My dear friend was like a small snowball traveling down a mountain, getting larger and stronger as it went along. With each person that she brought in to share and every person she said thank you to, she became more and more confident. I was in awe of her perserverance! I kept rereading the Daily Reflection and watching her work the room as chairperson and just sat back and shed a few tears of joy. I looked up and thanked my Higher Power. I thanked her Higher Power! It was such a beautiful thing to be a part of. Those in my group who read this will understand.

By the end of the meeting, we all knew that our sober sister was going to be just fine. The team member that was left behind in the states had gotten to her site and the event was going to go off without a hitch. We all wished her well and with her SURVIVOR mindset, she was ready to rock the world! By using SACRIFICE = UNITY = SURVIVAL, my sober sister pulled herself from the depths of despair, wanting to drink in an airport bar, and became SURVIVOR TURNED THRIVER, and I got to be a fly on the wall while she used her program of AA to do it!

What A Life!

~me

If I’m To Open-Minded, My Brains Will Fall Out!

I remember my father saying this to my mother when I was growing up. My Mom would say, “Dennis, try to be more open-minded.” And as my Dad was walking down the hallway toward their bedroom and away from the conversation, he would state, in a very matter-of-fact tone, “If I’m to open-minded, my brains will fall out!” As a result of these conversations, I, as a youngster, had visions of his brains LITERALLY FALLING, like slipping, out of the back of his skull!!

Because I gravitated more towards my Dad, as in I was more like him while growing up, I tended to be more set in my ways and thus more close-minded as I matured. Hearing that if I were to open-minded my brains could fall out certainly gave me cause to keep my mind tightly guarded against peeking into uncharted territory! I entered adulthood with a mind tightly closed off and EXTREMELY conservative.

After becoming a full blown alcoholic and being asked politely to leave the Air Force in January of 1996, my bright, shiny, brand new civilian job Citibank politely told me I would either go to treatment or get fired in June of 1996. I had begged the Air Force for help with my drinking, so of course I jumped at the chance of going to treatment and I was a very studious student during my 30 days away. I left the center and went directly to my first AA meeting where I immediately started noticing all the DIFFERENCES between me and my “fellows” in the rooms of AA. Queue the beginning of the end. My closed-mind was beginning to play tricks on me. In treatment, they had taught me about the H.O.W. of the AA program… Honesty, OPEN-MINDEDNESS, Willingness. I thought I fully understood it. I thought I fully accepted it. But I was sitting in these meetings hearing my “fellows” speak of a God that they “understand” being anything from a crystal to a tree. I got very touchy and I felt very out of place and very alone. I was not one of these people and they were NOT my “fellows”. This may be a “WE” program, but after a handful of different meetings, it was painfully obvious that “I” was not one of the “WE’S”! I went back to church and told my pastor what they were saying their “understanding” of God was at AA and was told in no uncertain terms that AA was NOT the place for me. I was to stick to faith and family support to stay sober. That worked for 7 years. Then I had a significant tribulation in my life and really wanted to drink and faith and family support weren’t cutting it. I prayed….still wanted to drink. I talked with family members (ex-husband’s family), they told me to pray. Eventually, I drank and the hideous four horseman bit me in the ass in phenomenal fashion! Terror, bewilderment, frustration and despair toyed with me off and on for two decades!

It wasn’t until this most recent time in recovery that I realized that way back in 1996 when I learned about the H.O.W. of the AA program, I never took ACTION with it! It wasn’t enough to learn and know about it. I had to work it and work it tirelessly! Rigorous Honesty. Absolute open-mindedness and Total Willingness! I must be willing to go to any lengths to get what the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous lays out in the first 164 pages. And until January 29, 2022, I wasn’t! I had never been in recovery and remission from both my alcoholism and my mental illness simultaneously in my entire adult life. But now I am, and it is ABSOLUTE FREEDOM!

That is what open-mindedness is to me…FREEDOM! And joy. Today, I am teachable. I do not believe that my God “tests” me. I believe that He teaches me. He puts lessons in my life to teach me how to be the best me I can be. Just like my Daddy-Man, who cherishes me as his favorite (only) daughter. My Dad is a man of few words. He doesn’t talk much when we speak on the phone. But there is almost always a lesson, the same as when I was growing up. As a United States Marine, he was always saying things like, “Adapt, improvise and overcome!”, and, “This is not a hill to die on!” These were gold nuggets and wonderful sayings to helped mold and shape me as a very strong, self-willed individual. Those gold nuggets have been priceless in my recovery, but I had to “adapt, improvise and overcome” and surrender my self-will to my Higher Power and allow Him to give me whatever power He sees fit to allow me to have for any given day. He provides me with what I need at all times, as long as I ask.

So, as we move into Father’s Day tomorrow, I’d like to dedicate this post to retired United States Marine Corps Master Gunnery Sergeant Dennis W Bragg. My father, my Daddy-Man, my Superman, my EVERYTHING! It is an honor and a privilege to call you my Dad. I will always strive to make you proud. I now know that I can be open-minded today and enjoy this amazing, new found freedom and joy and my brains WILL NOT FALL OUT!

What a life!

~me

Howling Dog Saloon, Luverne, MN

Have you ever walked into a place a felt that you were meant to be there? Like, the moment you walked in, you were being called to a certain spot to sit down and that the people there were smiling and nodding at you as if you were “home”? Well, my husband and I had the pleasure of walking into a place just like that a few days ago and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.

The Howling Dog Saloon in Luverne, MN is OFF THE CHARTS, my friends! From the word go, I knew this place was gonna’ be good. Sam and I have been wanting to try them out for quite some time and got the opportunity on Tuesday, May 23rd. We had some pretty important errands to tend to in Luverne and got them all taken care of. Some were fruitful and some were frustrating. By the end of running errands, Sam and I had built up and all-star appetite! Due to financial constraints, even though we were VERY hungry, we planned on going home and fixing ourselves something to eat there. That’s when I saw “IT”. The HOWLING DOG SALOON! Just sitting innocently at 909 S Kniss Ave. I made a split decision and we pulled in. We were tired… worn out, actually, and it was a 20 minute drive home. We were HUNGRY! By the time we drove home and put the effort into fixing something to eat, I would have been to tired to eat it! So I felt it would be well worth the money to pay to have food perpared and served to us. I had no idea what we were in for! From the moment we walked in, our experience was AMAZEBALLS!

Howling Dog Saloon is a classic bar and grill restaurant. It has a wrap around bar with high and low tables for seating. Then there is a drop down seating area that has 3 or 4 pool tables for patrons to enjoy. I believe I saw a few dart boards as well but I could be wrong. I hesitate to label the women who were working there as servers because they were more like trusted friends One of them smiled and came to take our drink order but it was so much more than that and more than I can describe in words here. Sam ordered a Pepsi and I a Sprite and water. When it came time to order Sam had the deluxe burger and I asked for the pork tenderloin sandwich. I forgot to ask for the combo basket as an appetizer so I ran up to our server “friend” and asked her to type that in as she was ringing in our meals. She even guided me on what was best for our four choices on the combo basket… tater tots, cheese curds, corn balls and brocolli cheese bites! Choices fit for royalty, AND ANGIOPLASTY! But Boy, Howdy, was it ever tasty! And dipped heavily in ranch dressing, my taste buds were in heaven. I couldn’t sit still. I was doing the happy dance right there in my high seated bar stool!! And then our meals came… I was already satisfied after the appetizer and still had to eat my pork tenderloin sandwich. Needless to say, I didn’t finish the sandwich, but it was definitely delicious! Sam’s burger was super fantastic as well.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the jukebox. It was a TouchTunes jukebox. It’s interactive with an app on your phone and you can play a “butt load” (that’s a technical term, by the way) of music and never leave the comfort of your seat. Can you tell I LOVED IT! I played Jimmy Buffet, Queen, The Beatles and our song (Journey “Faithfully”) Hey, what can I say, we are 80’s kids (well, I’m an 80’s kid. Sam is more of a 70’s kid and an 80’s kid/adult, but I digress) Playing the music on the jukebox made the place magical for us. The atmosphere, the staff, the food, it was the TRIFECTA! Sam and I had no idea that when we hastily pulled in an hour earlier this place would have such a profound impact on us.

What does this have to do with alcoholism or mental heath, you may be asking? A LOT, actually. In AA, we have a BIG warning acronym to look out for. It is H.A.L.T. It means Hungy Angry Lonely Tired. Both Sam and I had three of the four of those going on BIG TIME when we pulled in to the Howling Dog Saloon parking lot. We were both Hungry, Angry and very Tired. As I had mentioned, some of our errands had ended with frustration and we had been running around literally all day long. An argument can be made for me being lonely as well. Even though I was with the “love monkey of my soul”, I was lonely for my Higher Power. I was not feeling very close to God at the moment was pulled into the parking lot. I was so overwhelmed with all of the information I had received from the places we had been, I was processing a “butt ton” (another technical term, and yes, butt ton is MORE than butt load!) of information. Some was good, some was not so good. For some odd reason, I did not feel like I was processing the information with God at the center of everything. So for me, anyway, I had the entire H.A.L.T. thing going on. This acronym can be used in the mental health realm as well. When these four things are present at the same time, you MUST take action to satisfy them or you are heading for a mighty crash! But after walking into the Howling Dog Saloon, H.A.L.T. was washed away pretty quickly. Hungry was taken care of with the yummy food. Angry was taken care of by the amazing staff, friendly patrons, fun jukebox and overall atmosphere (Sam promised me a round of pool next time; he didn’t wanna get beat this time and we were both just too tired anyway) Lonely was taken down because once my mind cleared, my heart opened back up and of course God was right there where I had left Him! Tired was taken care of (briefly) with the burst of energy and excitement Sam and I both felt and discovering such and diamond in the rough. Of course as soon as we got home we both laid down and took a quick nap. What could have been a disastrous event if we would have driven home and tried to handle things on our own, turned into a wonderful experience and allowed us to find a new “favorite spot”.

So, there you have it, my dear friends. I used to say, “My dogs are howlin’!” when I was a server at TGI Fridays and I worked a double shift. Now I get to look foward to going back to my new “favorite spot”, the Howling Dog Saloon at 909 S Kniss Ave in Luverne, MN. Stop by and see them. I bet the magic happens for you as well! Be sure to play the jukebox! It ROCKS! Here is their Facebook page link: https://www.facebook.com/people/Howling-Dog-Saloon/100057365652796/

WHAT A LIFE!

~me

The H.O.W. and The W.H.O. of Recovery

Okay, so I was chairing a Zoom AA meeting just a little bit ago and the topic was May 19th’s Daily Reflection:

Giving Without Strings… Basically, being of service without expectations of being served.

Hmmmm…. I have a MONSTEROUS ego! Just how in the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks am I supposed to be of service without wanting to be noticed? That’s a pretty tall order! At least, it used to be. This time around in my recovery, I am able to do things for others without thinking about what they can do for me, with the help of God. (God is WITHIN me now, not just AROUND me. That’s the difference this go around in recovery for me, I think.) It’s a VERY foreign concept to me, but I seem to be doing it A LOT and not even thinking about it! It’s almost like booze to me….as if I get DRUNK off of doing good deeds these days! I’m not even kidding. It’s quite addicting. Sometimes, when I’m doing my morning routine I find myself plotting little things I can do, anonymously, throughout the day, for other people. (again, I do these things because God is WITHIN me, NOT just AROUND me!) But that’s not the topic of today’s post….

The H.O.W. of Recovery is: Honesty, Open-Mindedness and Willingness. Without these three things, we can NOT maintain sobriety. I know this because I have tried with vast amounts of self-will and without ALL three simultaneously, I WILL GET DRUNK. I have proven that fact to myself countless times. I MUST have all three H.O.W.’s of the AA program every day or consuming alcohol is a guarantee for this “closeted southern bell”! But, once again, something new happened to me this go around in recovery. I discovered yet ANOTHER acronym! There is more than just the H.O.W. of Recovery. The H.O.W. tells us how to stay sober. But we really need to grasp that spirituality. Without a firm foundation in spirituality, we flop like fish out of water. I learned this….

The word SPIRITUAL contains the word “ritual” within it. When I Google’d the definition of RITUAL, I found the following: “An act or series of acts regularly repeated in a set precise manner.” Hmmmm…. Okay, I reread that a few times and realized that it resembled the definition of STRUCTURE. That being said, if STRUCTURE is the same as RITUAL, then having STRUCTURE in my Recovery program helps my spirituality stay in fit condition. All of this came about with the faith of a mustard seed! Color me “Mind Blown”.

If I take it a step further, on page 55 of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, in the chapter We Agnostics it says, “Actually we were fooling ourselves, for deep down in every man, woman, and child, in the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or other it is there.” Then, if we jump WAAYYYY to the back of the 4th Edition of the Big Book to page 568, Appendix II, Spiritual Experience, last paragraph, it reads, “We find that no one need have difficulty with the spirituality of the program. Willingness, Honesty and Open-mindedness are the essentials of Recovery. But these are indispensable.” Why would I pick out these two quotes? They are so far apart in the book and one talks directly about GOD, the other talks directly about SPIRITUALITY?!?!

Well, since the first time I darkened the doors of Keystone Treatment Center in Canton, South Dakota, in June, 1996, I’ve heard about the H.O.W. of the AA Recovery program. But just a little bit ago during my go around this time in Recovery, God saw fit to reveal Himself to me as the W.H.O. of the AA Recovery program. “Willingness, Honesty and Open-mindedness”… Bill was telling us in Appendix II, Spiritual Experience, that the W.H.O. of Recovery is GOD! And just as I stated at the beginning about the H.O.W. of Recovery, unless I have ALL three, I WILL NOT STAY SOBER!

So, there you have it, folks. For this little girl (at least right now, in my tired brain, I am a little girl!), I know that I MUST follow the H.O.W. of my Recovery program to stay sober today and I MUST have the W.H.O. of my Recovery program in my heart and do His will today, not my own and rely on Him, not myself, to battle my disease of alcoholism. If I can stay in the frame of mine today and wake up tomorrow and rinse and repeat, then I might just have a sneaky chance at long term, happy, joyous and free sobriety. I hope to see you as we ALL trudge the road OF happy destiny!

WHAT A LIFE!

Much love to All!

~me

Is It ODD, Or Is It GOD?!?

Today I had to have a minimally invasive medical procedure, called an Angiogram, performed on my heart. To say that I was a bit nervous was the understatement of the year! I was in FULL BLOWN PANIC ATTACK MODE! My cariologist, Dr. Stys, had prepared me to expect a probable Angioplasty (where they deploy a balloon during the procedure to “push” the plaque from the center of the arteries back toward the walls of the arteries) or even a couple of stents that may have needed to be put in place. Given the symptoms I was having; shortness of breath, lightheadedness and dizziness when I would stand up fast or just when doing light work or exercising, we expected at least a few stents…BUT THAT DID NOT HAPPEN!

I have been in a near constant state of severe anxiety ever since last Tuesday when my doctor told me about this procedure in the first place. I have TRIED to give it to my Higher Power! I have tried praying the 3rd step prayer. I DID ask many people, many groups of people to pray for me, and that was certainly not typical of me. I usually stuff my own issues down deep inside and pretend I’m doing FINE! (F’d up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional) I didn’t do that this time. I humbled myself and asked for help. AND BOY HOWDY, IT WORKED! There is NO OTHER EXPLAINATION for why no balloon or stents had to be used this morning. The plaque screening I had done in January showed that I was in the 94th percentile for my age group for plaque build up in the arteries of my heart…the 94th percentile, folks!!! Not to mention, I have lived in this body. I am FULLY aware of what I have put into it in the past 52 years. Okay, maybe not the entire 52 years. My Mom and Dad were responsible for chooisg the food I ate for 1st 15 years or so. Anyway, between the poor food choices I have made and the VERY POOR choices I made dumping all the booze and pills down my throat for the past 30-some-odd years, there is NO WAY medical intervention would not have been needed, other than with DIVINE INTERVENTION. Of this, I am certain.

And so, I ask you…. IS IT ODD OR IS IT GOD? I submit to you that through the power of prayer, God saw fit to heal my heart and ensure that no medical intervention was needed this morning. I asked others to pray for me. Others DID pray for me. Now I am at home and feel wonderful. Is it just a coincidence that I had the procedure this morning, where essentially NOTHING was done except for a camera being snaked into my heart to look around and that a bunch of people prayed for me and now I feel great? Well, I suppose that’s possible. But, I don’t believe in coincidences. I believe that a coincidence is just A MIRACLE in which GOD chooses to remain ANNONYMOUS!

So, there you have it, folks. I survived an Angiogram. And my anxiety has been quelled to a low roar…it’s never gone, it’s always a monkey on my back, but I will adapt, improvise and overcome like always. If you have this procedure coming up, don’t fret. It’s a cake walk. (I can say that now that I’ve been through it. The past week was a living hell!!!) As for me, I think I’m going to take a nap…for a week, seeing as how I didn’t really sleep for a week!!

Talk about everything, drink about NOTHING!!

WHAT A LIFE!

~ME

Oh, the Places You’ll Go…

(This is a repost. I have been speaking at the treatment center I went to and I end by reading this book. The folks seem to really appreciate it. I almost have it memorized at this point! I have read it MANY times in the past 8 months!! I pray that it helps you as much as it helps me!)

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

This Dr. Seuss book is one of my favorite books of all time. I have given it as a graduation gift to kindergarten, 8th grade, high school, college and even law school. But none have been as profound as when I have given this book to someone who is starting their journey in recovery.

“You’ll look up and down streets. Look ’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” Change your playground. How many times do we hear that?

“And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.” One day at a time. That’s all we can handle.

“I’m afraid that sometimes you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ’cause you’ll play against YOU.” When we allow ourselves to spend time in our own head, the disease of addiction WILL play horrible, scary games with us.

“On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far, and face up to your problems, whatever they are.” No matter how far we need to go to get our butt in a chair at a meeting, we do it. Meeting makers make it! That’s a fact.

“And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 3/4 percent guaranteed.)” By doing “the next right thing” on a “one day at a time” basis, you WILL succeed.

Oh, the Places You’ll Go. Mental Illness, addiction, whatever ailment it may be. This book is so simple, truthful and uplifting. I read it often. It helps keep me grounded. Try it, you might like it.

WHAT A LIFE.

~Me

Coming Out of the Dark….Again!

And, the journey begins AGAIN! I took quite a hiatus from posting an entry here. And as you can probably tell from the title, it hasn’t been a great time.

While I DID NOT go back to chugging vodka straight from the bottle, I DID decide to drink “just beer”. When I started drinking “just beer”, of course I chose the cheapest and highest alcohol content beer I could find. Natural Ice was fully leaded, as I like to call it. At first, three beers would give me a decent buzzed feeling. Five beers would have me very buzzed. But, of course, within a few weeks my tolerance built up and I had to drink “MORE”.

I relapsed before the pandemic hit, however, when the pandemic hit, my drinking became MUCH worse. My hubby was an over-the-road trucker, so I was home alone…well, I did have my two dogs to keep me company, and we live in a country town of 686 people. So, you can imagine how isolated I was! I drank my beer from the time I woke up until I fell asleep at night.

Of course, I stopped taking ALL of my psych meds while drinking, so I was a hot mess times infinity. Both of my demons, mental and alcoholic, were working overtime! I was in such a tailspin, not even the most gifted of pilots could have recovered and straightened out my plane!

I will go into more detail in future posts. For now, I just want to say….. I MADE IT BACK!

By the grace of God and the amazing support and encouragement of my hubby and his family (my family didn’t know I was drinking again) I made it back! It was a long, treacherous, scary road, but God saw me through it, even if I didn’t really ask Him to!

For now, I choose to simply do the next right thing!!

What a life!

See ya’ soon,

ME

My Way vs. Easy Way

Okay, I know long ago I learned that the shortest distance between 2 points is a straight line. I know I have been reminded of this fact many, MANY times in my life. Therefore, it baffles me that more often than not, the above picture holds true in the route I take from problem to resolution, task to completion, shucks, even location to destination sometimes!

I begin with the best of intentions. I prepare (sometimes). Make a list, check it twice, that kind of thing. Develop a plan of action:

1. Do this, then either this or that will happen.
2. If this happens, do this.
3. If that happens, do this. And so on.

Inevitably, a few steps into action and I am off course. It’s either, “Oh look, a squirrel.”, or “Ooooo, I see a bright, shiny object. Must check it out.” No focus or concentration. If I do maintain focus, I do NOT stick with the plan. I over-complicate things and start doubting what I have planned out. “Gotta’ check this out.” “Is this really the best way?” “I’ll add this step over here.” The result is a poop load of well intentioned but unfinished projects.

I bring this up because I am doing this with my sobriety right now. If a problem pops up, I:

• am either instantly overwhelmed and unable to take action.
• develop a plan of action and then lose focus and get distracted.
• overcomplicate the plan and run in circles
• ignore the problem hoping it will go away

Wow, no wonder I’m a hot mess right now! My problem solving and task completion skills suck butt! I used to be pretty darn good at these things. Not sure where it went but it certainly isn’t here now. I can see where work needs to be done. I need to get with my sponsor and get into Step work. I feel stuck in a rut right now and that’s not a good place to be. Idol time has never been my friend.

What a blessing it is that my Higher Power gives me the ability to list out shortcomings so I can see where I have work to do. How awesome is this program?

WHAT A LIFE!

~Me

 

Meh…..just Meh.

That about sums up the week. I’ve just been “meh”. The demons have been damn busy this week. And I can tell y’all why. Because I wasn’t doing nary a thing to keep them shackled, that’s why! I was in that horrible place, you know the one…sitting in my shit, and it stunk and wasn’t comfortable but because it was “MY” shit, it was at least familiar. Everything else had become so unfamiliar and scary, I simply chose to keep sitting in my stinky and uncomfortable shit. True insanity that makes so much sense. Wait….What?!

This insane, sensible inactive activity went on for about 3 days before it became unbearable enough for me to do something about it. Booze demon screaming “drink the vodka, you’ll sleep better!”, Bipolar demon shouting “quit taking the meds, you’ll sleep better”, and the anxiety demon screeches “don’t leave the house because bad things will happen if you do.”

I showered the stinky poop of myself and went to a meeting on Friday. And while I can not honestly proclaim that my world instantly become all rainbows and unicorns, I can say I instantly started to feel better. Why does it have to get so bad before I take action? Sometimes, it doesn’t. Sometimes I stay on top of things and it goes good for a long period of time. But I know what to do when it starts getting bad, and yet, I do the opposite. And that just blows my mind.

Meeting makers make it. I know this to be true. With how volatile my mental health and sleep patterns are right now, I need lotsa’ meetings. DUH! So grateful for this recovery life, where I can be “meh…just meh” or can choose to break that old behavior and actually have a great days.

WHAT A LIFE!

~Me

 

 

Happy Wife, Happy Life.

My hubby has been amazing through this whole rollercoaster of emotion and depression. He has been a pillar of strength for me.

“Practice these principles in all our affairs” is something I most definitely have NOT been doing, and hubby gets the brunt of it. I am ashamed to say, I have been treating him like shit. I have been taught that if you want to see how strong someone’s program is, ask their family. I would fall short if you did that.

Hubby is 13 years sober. He stays out of my program, for the most part. He will gently nudge me and suggest that I “phone a friend”, or go to a meeting, but he does this in such a loving, caring way that I can’t be mad about it. And when he does it, I know he is right. I may bitch about it, but I do it because if he is saying it, I am pretty bad off.

He loves, supports and encourages me in every aspect of my life. With the weight gain, he tells me I am beautiful more often. With the depression, he tells me how much he loves me and cherishes me on a daily basis. With the anxiety, he talks me down and reminds me to breathe slow and deep. And I have just been snapping at him. A few days ago, I yelled because he didn’t put a roll of toilet paper on the TP holder. I’m such a bitch. Hubby knows how insecure I am right now so every time I call him, he answers the phone, “Hello, gorgeous.”.

This man has been with me for 4 years. He has seen me at my best and at my worst. He has witnessed full Bipolar manic episodes that lasted 2 weeks and the crash into sever depression that follow. He has seen how PTSD flashbacks can ambush me and how my severe anxiety can ruin an evening out. Yet, he’s still here. Still by my side. Hell, he even wanted to marry me after seeing all that crap! Maybe I should be questioning his sanity!

I have hubby on my gratitude list, but I have realized through last night’s Step 10, instead of being grateful for him, I am taking him for granted. I need to make amends for the way I have been treating him. Yes, I am depressed and a bit whack-a-doo with the hormone thingy. But that does not give the right to treat my husband, or anyone for that matter, the way I have been. No one is my personal punching bag. Just because he is allowing it to happen doesn’t make it right.

My hubby deserves a happy wife and a happy life. Slowly but surely I am coming back from the depths of this depression. I can feel the hormone replacement therapy working. Which is great, because I know hubby has been jonesing for a Nurf gun fight and I haven’t been in the mood. He may just get ambushed.

WHAT A LIFE!

~Me