No, I am not riding one of those coin operated carousels outside the department store. (do they even have those anymore?)
I have just browsed over some of my previous posts and realized that I see way too much “I” in them. If there is one thing I know (there is so much I realize I do not know the longer I am sober), it is that “I”:
have no control
screw things up
have a poopy attitude
have an enormous ego
AM self-will run riot
“I” gets me in a poop load of trouble. BUT…. WE do great things. WE:
rely on God’s will
keep it simple
have a positive attitude
Hmmmm…. I think I will hang out with WE. They seem to have what I want.
Okay, I know long ago I learned that the shortest distance between 2 points is a straight line. I know I have been reminded of this fact many, MANY times in my life. Therefore, it baffles me that more often than not, the above picture holds true in the route I take from problem to resolution, task to completion, shucks, even location to destination sometimes!
I begin with the best of intentions. I prepare (sometimes). Make a list, check it twice, that kind of thing. Develop a plan of action:
Do this, then either this or that will happen.
If this happens, do this.
If that happens, do this. And so on.
Inevitably, a few steps into action and I am off course. It’s either, “Oh look, a squirrel.”, or “Ooooo, I see a bright, shiny object. Must check it out.” No focus or concentration. If I do maintain focus, I do NOT stick with the plan. I over-complicate things and start doubting what I have planned out. “Gotta’ check this out.” “Is this really the best way?” “I’ll add this step over here.” The result is a poop load of well intentioned but unfinished projects.
I bring this up because I am doing this with my sobriety right now. If a problem pops up, I:
am either instantly overwhelmed and unable to take action.
develop a plan of action and then lose focus and get distracted.
overcomplicate the plan and run in circles
ignore the problem hoping it will go away
Wow, no wonder I’m a hot mess right now! My problem solving and task completion skills suck butt! I used to be pretty darn good at these things. Not sure where it went but it certainly isn’t here now. I can see where work needs to be done. I need to get with my sponsor and get into Step work. I feel stuck in a rut right now and that’s not a good place to be. Idol time has never been my friend.
What a blessing it is that my Higher Power gives me the ability to list out shortcomings so I can see where I have work to do. How awesome is this program?
That about sums up the week. I’ve just been “meh”. The demons have been damn busy this week. And I can tell y’all why. Because I wasn’t doing nary a thing to keep them shackled, that’s why! I was in that horrible place, you know the one…sitting in my shit, and it stunk and wasn’t comfortable but because it was “MY” shit, it was at least familiar. Everything else had become so unfamiliar and scary, I simply chose to keep sitting in my stinky and uncomfortable shit. True insanity that makes so much sense. Wait….What?!
This insane, sensible inactive activity went on for about 3 days before it became unbearable enough for me to do something about it. Booze demon screaming “drink the vodka, you’ll sleep better!”, Bipolar demon shouting “quit taking the meds, you’ll sleep better”, and the anxiety demon screeches “don’t leave the house because bad things will happen if you do.”
I showered the stinky poop of myself and went to a meeting on Friday. And while I can not honestly proclaim that my world instantly become all rainbows and unicorns, I can say I instantly started to feel better. Why does it have to get so bad before I take action? Sometimes, it doesn’t. Sometimes I stay on top of things and it goes good for a long period of time. But I know what to do when it starts getting bad, and yet, I do the opposite. And that just blows my mind.
Meeting makers make it. I know this to be true. With how volatile my mental health and sleep patterns are right now, I need lotsa’ meetings. DUH! So grateful for this recovery life, where I can be “meh…just meh” or can choose to break that old behavior and actually have a great days.
A few years ago and before we were married, hubby and I were faced with an impending Midwest winter blizzard. Weather dudes were saying at least 3 days of ice, snow and high winds that would make travel impossible. I was terrified. Here’s this guy that I really liked (truth be told, I was already totally in love with him) and we were going to be stuck in a tiny, one bedroom apartment for at least 3 days, probably 5 before the city dug us out. We took every precaution….bought batteries for the flashlights, food that didn’t require electricity to prepare, candles, and an abundance of toilet paper. (hey, priorities!) Then came the idea. Nerf guns with lots of ammo. Being holed up in that rinky-dink apartment for an unknown amount of time, we knew there were going to be tense moments. We had to have something to relieve the stress. I don’t think we have made a more sensible dual purchase since then.
Hubby and I rarely have arguments. Seriously, it’s like almost never. When we do, out come the Nerf guns. He usually takes position in the kitchen and I opt for the living room. We show no mercy. Out of ammo? Plan on getting blasted while you run to the “no cover zone” to pick some up and reload. By the time we are done, whatever was on the table worthy of arguing about is now easily discussed. Stress is turned into laughter and light-hearted fun.
Because our move happened so unexpectedly and fast, we didn’t know exactly where our beloved Nerf guns were stashed. This holiday weekend, my 8 year old step-daughter found them. “Can we?”, she pleaded with Dad. I got a call while grocery shopping at Wal-Mart. “Buy some Nerf ammo.” Oh boy, I knew this was going to be fun. We laughed, giggled and hubby got ambushed in the kitchen. I got shot in the butt and in the boob. I may have a bruise, but it was so worth it.
In AA, we learn to trudge the road OF happy destiny. Many quote this wrong and say, “TO happy destiny.” There is a big difference when you switch OF and TO. Happiness is not a destination, it is a mode of travel. Even through this hormonal depression (which is lifting more each day, Thank God) I can be a part of something more special than an ex booze hound like me deserves. God’s grace and mercy are amazing.
Yesterday reminded me that I never, never know what to expect out of a day. To simply do the next right thing and wonderful things happen.
I woke up grumpy. Only got a few hours of sleep, my back was pretty sore, the depression is at it’s finest in the monring and I didn’t want to go to a meeting. grrrrr. I put my big girl panties on and begrudgingly sloughed off to the morning meeting. It was amazing. Most of the “weekenders” were there because of the holiday, so the sharing was great. I was honest and said I was having thoughts about drinking. I get so down on myself (and get scared) when I have those thoughts. Still haven’t accepted that it’s okay to have thoughts, what counts is my actions.
Anyway, a friend invited me to a local recovery/treatment campus to have lunch. It’s the first time I have been out there for lunch. This place oozes with serenity. I’ve been there for events before and I can feel the serenity as I walk onto the campus. Great food, company and conversation. And any thoughts of drinking were definitely squished.
Last evening I received a text from a gal that was my sponsor for a short time but then had to focus on some personal things. She said she could sponsor me again. So I am no longer sponsorless! This is a huge relief. At the meeting yesterday, I shared that I am at a standstill in my program. There is no growth and I am not working the steps because I do not have a sponsor. And then…viola!
Needless to say, the “grumpasaurous” that awoke yesterday morning transformed into a very grateful child of God before bed. Certainly not what I expected out of the day.