So, let me get this straight…when I am weak then I am strong?! Say WHAT?
There is this really cool author named Paul who lived about 2000 years ago that wrote about this. I am paraphrasing here, but the gist of it was that Paul got boastful and basically egotistical about some stuff then got a thorn in his side. This thorn hurt like H-E-double hockey sticks. He pleaded with God to remove the thorn but God ignored him. Finally, God answered Paul with, “My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness.” Paul later says that he will go on boasting about God’s grace because when he is weak he is strong. Hmmmmm….
Today I had the proverbial thorn in my side. I am still fighting physical pain and a pretty deep depression after having a total hysterectomy two months ago. Hubby was still on the road and wouldn’t be back ’til late afternoon. I woke up at 7:30 this morning and every ounce of my being screamed, “GO BACK TO SLEEP!”. I just started taking hormone replacement therapy yesterday in hopes of getting this depression under control and it was literally all I could do to walk down the stairs. I felt beat up. I felt weak. I felt pain. Made a cup of coffee in the Keurig. Sat on the couch…big mistake. My mind and body were ganging up on me. “JUST CURL UP AND REST FOR A MINUTE!”, I heard a voice say, just as my legs eased onto the couch and my head laid down perfectly on the arm rest. Sooooo comfy. NO, NO, NO. If I give in, it will be another wasted day. I will sit, lay and sleep the day away and hubby comes home to a mess. A messy wife, messy house. ICK! But yet, I feel so weak. I am in a full on battle now. Physical pain, weakness, feeling as if I just ran a marathon, yet all I have done is walk down the stairs to the kitchen and then to the couch. I start spiraling, getting down on myself with my military mentality. “Come on…Adapt, improvise, overcome!” Nothing. “Put your big girl panties on and get over yourself.” Worse. Then something inside me says, “Grace and mercy.”
My Higher Power is one really awesome dude. Just when I was about to throw in the towel this morning, I hear “Grace and mercy”. Ahhhh, there you are. And I wasn’t even pleading with Him to take out the painful thorn in my side. I didn’t have enough sense to think of THAT. I was too busy trying to be Super Woman and fix things myself. God came along and tapped me on the head as I was getting cocky and didn’t even know it. Yes, that’s right folks. I use my Higher Power in my mental illness just as well as my addiction. Next thing I know, I am showered and dressed and on my way to a meeting of sorts. I went to church this morning. It was great. God’s grace IS sufficient for me. And His power IS made perfect is weakness. As long as I get out of the way and let Him do what He does, I’m going to get through this depression. It WILL NOT drive me to drink again. But I gotta’ remember my weaknesses and where and WHO to seek strength from.
WHAT A LIFE!
9 thoughts on “Weak then Strong?”
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Reblogged this on club east: indianapolis and commented:
Right out of the gate I can tell you that — as a guy — I really can’t speak into the whole hysterectomy thing. On another front, I can say I’m in the middle of getting all my daily drug dosages balanced so I can function on a somewhat natural level with no sudden surprises. Sort of a “better living through chemistry” approach toward life. That being said, I still have days where I prefer curling up on the couch holding to a regular breathing pattern than doing much of anything else. Tar Heel’s on-target writing today is a much-needed reminder that I’m not in this alone.
Many thanks. It is always refreshing to know the struggle is not mine alone, as my “fibbing” mind tries so hard to convince me.
Depression is real, and can lead to relapse if not carefully monitored. Stay strong… great that you got to a meeting. Keep writing and sharing in meetings.I’m trudging the road right along with you!
Thanks so much, Paige. The peaks and valleys are slowly becoming just hills and creeks, so I can tell I am getting back to normal…whatever that is. So happy to know that you are trudging with me. That makes a world of difference. 🙂
I love the writings of Paul. I can so relate to this post.I deal with this struggle every day. While I no longer have pain from my hysterectomy, rheumatoid arthritis it’s definitely a daily battle. Putting “big girl panties on” as you so humorously put it can be incredibly difficult for me. Between depression, pain, and maintaining my sobriety every single day feels like a battle.
Paul rocks! Chronic pain does not. You are in my prayers for sure.
Thank you! I look forward to reading more of your blog.
Reblogged this on Ex Booze Hound and commented:
I most definitely needed to reblog this old post! I am FEELING this again SO MUCH!! Second verse, same as the first!!….